My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian fellowship and asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “No, thanks, but maybe next time around.”
I don’t think they got the joke but I nearly died laughing.
wait what’s the joke
This is the most dramatic “OMG” facial expression I’ve ever seen. Only Dylan
If you are afraid to talk to me because you are under the impression I’m too cool for you, please don’t be.
Not only are preventing yourself from talking to someone who you think is cool you are preventing me from talking to a cool person and making friends and I like friends.
If you are reading this, this is a personal invitation to talk to me. You don’t have to be witty or clever. Just say Hi. literally that’s all you have to say.
after my procedure at the hospital today my doctor tried to explain all of the medications he’s putting me on and i was kind of out of it on pain meds and he goes, “and i’m going to be putting you on some serious steroids, do you have any problems with that?”
and apparently i looked at my mom and whispered, “i’ll never play major league baseball” and started crying
if i ever have kids instead of being like “it’s a boy” im going to send out highly bewildering cards that say things like “it’s the chosen one” and “it’s probably not a lizard” and “we’re not sure what it is, but it just set the couch on fire, please send help” with a different thing to every person i send one to just to see what people show up at the baby shower with
I don’t care what you think but Dan is the cutest little shit ever
so my brother only has one eye and one time in art class the teacher said “draw your neighbors eye” so he took his fake eye out and sat it on the girls desk that was sitting next to him and she screamed and started crying
Your brother is golden